Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
