It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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