..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
