Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
