Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
