she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I currently don't understand fingers.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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