Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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