They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
