How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
