How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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