i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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