apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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