Farmville is her only friend.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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