No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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