I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Drunk is not a location!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
