Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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