my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
