I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
