I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
