i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
