I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize