I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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