You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
