Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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