Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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