I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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