I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
How does one acquire holy water?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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