How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize