Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
