Apparently you make a good broom.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
