All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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