Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
