I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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