He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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