If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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