Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
