Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
