i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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