He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
