We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
