I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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