every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
