I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
