My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
