today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
