I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
