I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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