I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
