I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i would one night stand the shit outta him
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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