new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
