oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
