What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
