yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
