Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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