I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
