i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
