The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
