from now on my penis is your penis
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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