Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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