I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
