Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
