It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
